Tired of never meeting women? Tired of going to bars and clubs but struggling to catch the attention of that young girl in the middle of a giant sausage fest? Tired of never getting laid?
If you answered no to all of those questions, then fuck you. But, if you answered yes to even one of them, take my hand and come with me on this journey.
Allow me to reintroduce myself bitches.
My name is Hugh.
But you can call me Mr. Jassdick.
I’m a dating instructor and I have been picking up chicks for years, and with my five part instructional video series, you will too. The key to picking up chicks is to understand that chicks are everywhere. They are not just in clubs or bars, or back alleys behind dumpsters. They are in your everyday places, and that is why my set includes:
1)How to pick up chicks at bus stops: http://www.ubersite.com/m/50706
2)How to pick up chicks at grocery stores
3)How to pick up chicks in an elevator
4)How to pick up chicks at the doctor’s office
5)How to pick up chicks in various other potentially socially awkward situations that cannot be categorized in the above four videos
After you have watched these videos, you will be a lean, mean sex machine like I am. You will be picking up chicks in no time, and I don’t mean lifting fat women. If you’re into that, buy my other video series on how to build muscle through the lifting of fat women. I’m talking about bench pressing fat women, curling fat women, and doing push ups with fat women sitting on your back.
After you have seen these videos, you will be able to walk up to a woman in any of these situations, get her number, get a date, and get laid, eventually leading to a healthy long-term relationship. Or, conversely, a lot of casual monkey sex with you eventual dumping her because she wants commitment. You dog you! Either way, if your penis enters one of her orifices, I know I have done my job and that gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside that reminds me why I got into the business in the first place.
Today’s episode will teach you how to pick up chicks at the supermarket. The ironic thing about a super market is that it is neither super nor a market, except that it actually is a market, but not very super. Trained with your knowledge on how to pick up chicks at bus stops, the super market should pose a much easier situation in which to pick up chicks. The time frame in which you can operate is increased ten fold which gives you a plenty of time to attempt different options and formulate a strategy. It is also a place where sexual innuendo is thicker then Star Jones’ thunder thighs.
Cucumbers
Sausages
Oils
Raisin Bran
All of these things are dripping with allusions, intimations, and insinuations of sexual intercourse and thus the supermarket contains in it a magical atmosphere in which god’s voice booms down from the Cosmo’s as if to say, “THY SHALL PICK UP CHICKS HERETH”
Step 1: Pick the right supermarket
The 24 hour convenience store on Ass Clown Road run by the Indian or Korean who charges you 35 cents for a hot dog from 1998 is not a super market. Chicks don’t shop there, and if they do, then GOD HELP US ALL. These are not the chicks that you are interested in. For once in your miserable life, you will need to shop in an actual supermarket that contains food fit for consumption by normal human beings. A medium sized supermarket/grocery store with roughly 7 or 8 aisles with an additional fruit and vegetable section is ideal. Do not attempt to be bold and try to pick up chicks at a Costco or a Sam’s Club. These areas are much too big to formulate a quick and strategic plan of attack, and besides, you don’t want to be reduced to having sex with somebody who buys lard in bulk.
Stay away from the Costco’s and the Sam’s Club’s. I know that your pathetic diet and income is dependent on their delectable free samples for your daily sustenance, but when picking up chicks are concerned, sacrifices must be made. My uncle didn’t give up four limbs in Vietnam so you could eat free taco samples and not screw his granddaughter.
THIS IS WAR GENTLEMAN.
And you are soldiers.
Step 2: Borrow or steal a baby
The power of a baby is a thing of genius that science cannot explain. A baby will increase your chance of picking up chicks by 4000% percent. It has been endorsed by various professionals (http://www.ubersite.com/m/53276), and it has been proven that the exploitation of babies is best used in the super market setting because they can be placed in the confines of a shopping cart. To start, make sure the baby is not yours. I realize that most of you have impregnated several hideous women in drunken sex orgies in ratty alleyways, but it is of utmost importance that the baby be cute. We all know that your shriveled penis and defective sperm could never produce a baby that didn’t look like the spawn of Geraldo Rivera and…uh…Geraldo Rivera. You need to borrow a baby from someone beautiful, or in most cases, steal the baby. Have a cabbage patch doll handy, make the switch, and no one will be the wiser. Next, drug the baby so he/she falls asleep and will not awaken to your hideous face. You can’t be running game with a screaming baby in your shopping cart, crying and trying eating your food.
Step 3: Secure a sturdy shopping cart
This is an underrated step and most men do not take in into consideration. If you have a faulty cart, YOU WILL FAIL. Test the cart by wheeling it the length of the aisle. Examine each wheel and have some WD-40 handy to eliminate squeakiness. It is imperative to have complete control of ALL VARIABLES IN THE PICKING UP CHICKS EQUATION. One glitch and you’ll be back home, dick in hand, beating off to Cosmo testimonials. A secure shopping cart with no squeaky wheels of the utmost importance.
Do you ever notice those cool guys like me who can do anything without anything going wrong? When they throw their hat, it always lands on the hat holder. When they throw their coat, it always lands on the coat holder, not out the window like when you did it. They don’t bend down to pick up a dime they may have dropped like you do, you cheap bastard. They just continue on their way. It is not cool to pick up dropped dimes. When they slip on a puddle, instead of falling and ruining their clothes like you would, they merely execute a perfect back flip to the cheers and adulation of female bystanders. These men have total control of the environment in which they operate and the variables that affect them. THAT is how you will succeed my friend.
Step 4: Stacking your cart
I realize that you have not eaten fruit, or vegetables, or cooked meat in a long time, but this is not about you. You must stack your NON FAULTY cart with items of consumption that exude sexual innuendo. Sausages, wieners, cucumbers, zucchini’s, squash, chocolate sauce, strawberries, grapes, licorice, oil, butter, margarine. These are your friends. Use them wisely. The power of suggestion is quite powerful, which is why it’s called the power of suggestion stupid. You want to create an environment where your target’s subconscious is thinking about sex. Do not stack your cart with sexually displeasing things like bread or apples. No one wants to have sex with a loaf of bread, though I would imagine a soft piece of Wonder’s white bread would feel masterful against the phallus. HOWEVER, you must remember that an apple a day keeps the pussy away.
Step 5: Picking the right girl
The best chick in the supermarket is the one with the highest “most pickupability to most in need of sex” ratio. Who fits this category to a tee?
SINGLE MOTHERS.
It is a well documented theorem that states that of all places in the world, single mothers flock most to the medium sized super market. The grocery store is chock full of single mother goodness. However, you want to pick the right kind of single mother.
First things first. Look for women with strollers or sleeping babies in their shopping carts. You will find plenty, but unfortunately, they are not all targets. Second, make you sure they are not with a man. Maybe you’re into the two dick thing but not me you faggot. I will not endorse man on man on woman. Third, look for the ring. Contrary to popular belief, married women will not have sex with you. The fourth step is the most important. Do not attempt to pick up MILFS who are in a rush. This tells you two things. First, they have somewhere they need to be rather then hoping they get picked up by some blubbering homo at a supermarket, and two, because they are in a rush, they will not be suitable targets because you cannot pick up chicks in a rushed environment. She will not be receptive and will shun your advances. You are not as important as yoga class or soccer practice.
Thus, the ideal target for this mission will be the mother with no ring, no man with her, and some type of baby in her possession. Also, SHE WILL NOT BE RUSHING. The supermarket is this woman’s only escape from her crappy apartment and 10 hour job. She aimlessly strolls the aisles, lost, a direct metaphor of her life. She needs sweet, sweet love and you and your 4 inches of man hood will provide that love.
Step 6: The Approach
Okay pimp. You’re in a prime location, you got your target acquired, you got your stolen or borrowed baby, you got your smooth three wheeled ride and you got that ride stacked with penis shaped vegetables and meats. It’s on like Donkey Kong. You’re Montel Jordan bitch, and this is how we do it.
Slowly move into the aisle in which she is located with your shopping cart, casually whistling, as if you are in that aisle strictly for grocery shopping purposes and not for picking up chicks. Have a flyer handy in case you need to impress her with you knowledge of the week’s specials. Pay some dumbass five dollars to bump into her while she’s picking out a box of Kraft Dinner, thus causing many boxes to fall over because she is clumsy and less than agile. Race your shopping cart to the scene of the crime and shake your fist at the man angrily, threatening to exert physical harm on him if necessary. The man (who knows it is all an act) will cower in fear, and run away. This simple yet highly complicated production tells the woman that you were willing to sacrifice your body to save her from potential peril.
Bend down and help the woman pick up the fallen boxes. At this point, she will be shy and nervous, thanking you for your bravery. Show concern for the well being of her baby as well by say something like, “is your baby okay? I have a baby too, so I know about babies.”
As you pick up the boxes, make you sure you try and pick up a box that is in her vicinity so you both go for the same box at the exact same time. Your hands will touch. This is important. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A WARM LOOK IN YOUR EYES WHEN YOUR EYES MEET DUE TO THE HAND TOUCH.
If all goes well, she will smile and you will tell her your name. You will both stand up and she will notice your beautifully sleeping baby, i.e. the icing on the motherfucking cake. She will comment on your baby’s beautifulness, and you will return the comment by saying the same about her baby, even if the baby is terribly ugly.
As you both wheel towards the cash registers, Ask her about herself, BUT DON’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT YOU. No one cares. If she asks you about yourself, make up something based on the information that she has given you. If she has a button on her jacket that says “free Tibet” tell her you’re a Buddhist. Then in the bedroom, you can be all like, “BOOYA bitch, here’s some enlightenment in the form of my penis”
Pay for your respective groceries and then help her put her groceries into her car. Do not forget about your stolen or borrowed baby. Poke it from time to time to make sure it is still breathing and has a faint pulse.
Now it is time for the obtaining of the number. After you have helped her with her groceries, an awkward pause will follow. This is perfect. Grab the baby from the cart, hold him/her with one hand, and put your other hand in your pocket. Say, exactly like this:
“So…uh…can I…umm….you know….call you some time?”
Look at up her with a half smile, showing slight signs of nervousness.
I guarantee she will say yes my friend, because as everyone knows, my theory can be proven through simple logic.
Dogs are a man’s best friend: you want to screw her in the ass.
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend: a penis is forever.
Two plus two equals four bitch.
Originally written on Uber Site
Thru the HLG Ignoramus Compendium of Words